


Could we have ever been?

by boogywoogywoogy



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/F, Fluff, Heartbreak, Hurt, Lies, Love, Poetry, Tearjerker, a real rollercoaster, fake - Freeform, happiness, if you ask me, personal, personal relationship - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 14:33:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15820851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boogywoogywoogy/pseuds/boogywoogywoogy
Summary: just a personal poem type thing to get things off my chest. it’s about a relationship that was kind of a relationship. about me being confused and hurt while learning to love myself.





	1. Preface

maybe this isn’t just fake. maybe these feelings are real. maybe I never want to let you go. maybe it’s more than we say it is. 

maybe I love you. 

{before a whole shit storm happened; written in June 2018}


	2. Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few months after the first chapter. A whole bunch of stuff is implied.   
> TW- swearing?

looking back on us now, it wasn’t real.   
none of it.   
we were two kids that believed in an idea of us.   
in an idea of being together.   
in an idea of love and comfort.   
in an imaginary version of us that couldn’t ever happen.   
for we were far too different,  
yet far too alike.   
we couldn’t ever work.   
and we knew that.   
but we wanted to believe in a perfect, flawless us.   
one that never strayed apart.   
one that was always happy.   
one that was what everyone else wanted.   
we wanted it so much that we began to believe that it was real.   
that we were real.   
that this fictional story of lovers could be real.   
but we were merely two kids  
who wanted to feel secure and loved and wanted.   
but we were not meant for each other, we never were.   
we couldn’t have been.   
it couldn’t have been real when we never showed our true emotions.   
when we always said what the other person wanted us to say.   
when our happiness solely depended on each other.   
when we distanced our friends and family to keep “us” from falling apart.   
when we both knew nothing would work because of the trust that was shattered that day in April.   
i wanted it to work even when I knew it couldn’t   
i knew I deserved better  
so. much. fucking. better.   
but i kept coming back to you.   
because you were the only thing i ever had that was close to romance  
to a relationship   
to something new.   
and i wanted to hold onto that because I feared of never getting it again.   
from you, from anyone  
but i couldn’t trust that, or you  
i couldn’t rely on your “emotions”  
i couldn’t trust my feelings   
because they were all abstract,   
thoughts full of want and lust   
but nothing true  
because that wasn’t real  
none of it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I put vague events in because I originally typed this for just me and I know what happened. Also, I didn’t want to “expose” anyone.


	3. A Formal Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I let go of what’s happened. I go into further detail. I let myself be ok and understand what’s happened. I take a step back and realize lots.

Now, I bid you farewell.   
Goodbye to the “I love you”s.   
Goodbye to the compliments.   
Goodbye to the three AM conversations.   
Goodbye to waiting on you to reply,  
Only for me to realize you weren’t going to  
And me feeling like I did something wrong.   
Goodbye to the uneasiness that I never realized I had around you,  
but then thought it was butterflies,  
but now I realize it was dread  
of having to see you being fake.   
and hating myself for thinking it was real.   
Goodbye to the one sided emotions.   
Goodbye to your fake promises.   
Goodbye to your smile and laugh and scent   
that I thought I so dearly loved.   
Goodbye to you.   
And all of your lies.   
Farewell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) thanks for reading. as I said, if you have any questions I’ll try my best to answer any!


	4. A Conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me being weary and sealing up my thoughts.

I may never share this.  
post this.  
Whatever.  
But if I do, I want you to know that while I may never see you again,  
you’ll always be with me.  
whether it’s you cheering me on,  
or you “accidentally” dragging me down,  
you’ll be in my mind.  
your laugh & your lies.  
the hurt that was behind my eyes  
when you didn’t act the same way to me around your other friends  
than you did when we were alone,  
it’ll always be there. 

I would say that  
I hope one day you feel the same way I do now,  
but we both know that’s a lie.  
I’ve always wanted you to be happy.  
Whether I was or not.  
I don’t think it was ever real.  
In fact, I know it wasn’t.  
I know everything about you, love.  
From your head to your toes  
From your anger to your sadness  
From your truth to your acting.  
I could tell.  
But I didn’t care.  
Either way.  
I hope you understand why I quit trying now.  
Why I stopped responding.  
Why I feel happier now.  
and for one last time,  
Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’ve gotten this far, congrats! Thanks for reading and I hope you guys enjoyed my raw emotions. Like I said before, this was purely to get my emotions out and I never intended it to share it with anyone but I had to put it somewhere (even if I am anonymous). I dont mean to harm anyone or for anyone to feel hurt by this.  
> Thanks for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> hey! if you’ve read this then thanks first of all. I don’t really expect anyone to, but if you do then let me know if you can relate or if you have any questions.


End file.
